Warning: Extreme self-pitying post

So...I've been feeling...well, to put it eloquently, like shit lately. Actually, I remember it starting exactly a year ago...but that's a minor detail.

To put it simply, I'm sick. Really, really, really sick. But not in the way that you might think. After about year of gaining weight (I went from a size 2 to a size 6), having stomach problems, and feeling absolutely exhausted in the last few months, I got some bloodwork done, and my doctor tested it for me. Friday afternoon, he called my mother with the results and she sat me down when she came home.

Turns out, I have celiac disease. Basically, this means an allergy to anything with wheat products, because most of them contain wheat gluten. This is going to greatly restrict my diet from now on.

I can't even explain how upset and angry I am, for several reasons. First of which, before a bread store opened up near my house about a year ago, I honestly hated bread. Now, of course, I love it, especially a multi-grain flour loaf which contains tons of ingredients that I'm allergic to. Over the year I've actually developed a love for lots of wheat products, have been consuming everything from oats to rice cakes, and coincidentally I know love both of those but they happen to be on the strict "No" List for me now. I guess this is the main cause of my sadness. Although, I'm also sad because I've had severe asthma all of my life which is never going to go away, so I've always sort of had to watch what I did, and now having to watch what I eat is going to be even more unbearable.

I guess I am angry because celiac disease causes indigestion amongst other stomach problems and so I've been pumping myself full of bran and fibres and not understanding that they were actually making me worse and I've been trying to eat a certain way to help my health improve and nothing I've tried is working and I've obviously just made myself worse in a vain attempt to actually improve.

On top of all of this, celiac disease causes severe anemia so I have been walking around, half-asleep, with a hemoglobin count of 8 when it should be 12 or 13. I'm just exhausted now and fed up and I've even stopped wearing makeup because I don't even care what I look like anymore because I'm so tired and hungry all the time.

Dear god, I want out of this hell. Please.

That's all for now,

Saf.

Interview Q's from GayBanker.

So sorry to have kept all of you waiting, but I've had 3 exams in the last 3 days and have been studying insanely for all of them. But now I'M DONE! I'M DONE I'M DONE I'M DONE!

and so the summer of '06 begins... ;)

All right all right, so GayBanker has quite graciously agreed to interview me. Sorry to read that it caused you such trepidation! Don't worry, I may be young, but I don't bite - yes, am definitely past the teething stage....

Anyways, being an avid reader, I love GB's style of writing and even the way he posed his questions to me were fairly satisfying. Although it took me a little while to do them justice, I have come up with (hopefully satisfying) responses for him. So, here you are GB, without further ado, the answers to your questions....


1.Lets examine the evidence. You've a regular visitor to my blog, GayBoyDiary's blog, and Saddle-up's blog, and all three of us are gay guys. You're also close friends with a gay guy of your own age. So do you worry about what life is going to be like as a fag hag?

Well, for some reason I've known (and get along stupendously with) many gay men, usually colleagues of my mother's or late fathers with the exception of an occaisional neighbor or teacher, but it has never crossed my mind that I would end up as a fag hag at any time. I honestly try and treat everyone that I meet, no matter their sexuality, the same, so I enjoy their company just as much as my straight friend's, perhaps more sometimes but I don't think to the extent that I would be a fag hag. However, now that you have put it that way, I did start to worry a tiny bit, then realized simply that well, I worry much too much for my age about the future anyways.

2. Imagine: following an unimaginable global cataclysm, you and me are the last human beings left alive. In a heroic gesture I agree to help you repopulate the Earth. What do our kids turn out like?

Oh Gay Banker, my hero, what a gentlemen agreeing to help me so! Why, with your vast experience, I'm sure I would thoroughly enjoy myself ;). All joking aside, your question brings me to a point that I have been thinking about. I have my ideas of what you look like, and you probably have yours of mine. However, I suspect if I were to post an actual picture of myself on this blog, I would look nothing like your or anyone else who reads this blog imagines. Superficiality aside, if we were to have a boy, I suspect that he would inherit my impulsiveness, my slight flair for the dramatic, hopefully the skills you use to work at the bank (mathematical skills? management position? not sure exactly what you do but I'm going to assume you have more of a logical and practical brain, judging from the way you plan your activities in accordance with your work days ) and your outrageous sex drive- although I'm not sure that would be only from you.


3. So far, at least, you've successfully kept your virginity. But to satisfy my readers depraved minds, and to give you something to look back on, can you describe how you hope the event will happen?

Well you see, I sort of have a rule for myself that whoever I lose it to must be my boyfriend as I find that kind of committment reassuring. As I mentioned before, I almost did lose it ( not too long ago, actually) to someone I was engaging in (as you say) activities with, and although not that much happened, I was severely tempted to just rip his pants off and get it done. I guess it was the combination of how he knew exactly what I liked - he knew exactly how to kiss me to make me melt, and how to hold me and slide his hands in the just right places at the right times and exactly what um, kind of positions I liked. He actually did ask me what I liked (I told him I liked him on top of me - I don't know, I guess I just love weight on me) but with subtle nonverbal communication, he could kind of read my body and he seemed to understand me after a while, and I daresay with all the tossing and turning and rolling around and banging the headboard against the wall, we made quite a mess of my bed =) Happy memories aside, I have been toying with the idea of (the next time I see visit him - hopefully this winter) losing it to the ex <3.>long night with no interruptions and I'll be set. I may have kept it in my pants so far, but I've got a few interesting fantasies I'd like to try out once I do become sexually active ( roleplay, anyone?) - and I think I can get pretty kinky too sometimes (anyone have a whip I can borrow?);).

4. When you say your mother describes you as wise beyond your years, I can't help myself thinking of precocious rude kid Eric Cartman from the cartoon South Park. Is comparing you to Cartman unfair, or are there any ways in which it's justified?

Haha, I have never actually taken to watching South Park although I do understand who you are talking about, and I can sort of see the similarity between him and myself. Hopefully I'm not as crude all the time, although I definitely understand I can be. I believe I aspire to be someday compared to Audrey Hepburn circa Breakfast at Tiffany's; you know, alluring, beautiful, graceful, charming, friendly yet mysterious. Yeahhh I know I'm kidding myself on that one.

5. And finally, you've lived in both Canada and the USA. Can you name one aspect of Canadian life that you think the USA lacks, and one aspect of American life that you think Canada lacks?

I really, really like this question. I must say, since the USA is larger, there is more of everything; more diversity (social and economic); more opportunity; more room for improvement (basically of tolerance, I find that Canadians do not get as easily emotional as Americans do); more cute boys and of course, more shopping =) and although they have so much; even more is still wanted and eventually provided for them. On a a side note; I have only lived in California and have not really visited much of the rest of the USA (I've been to Washington State, Washington DC, New York, Boston, and Maryland; I've been to Europe much more than I've been to the U.S.) to categorize everyone living there in the same way but I found that in California especially;it had a kind of glitter to it that you can't quite understand but you live in it everyday in the hopes of someday figuring it out and manufacturing it to become filthy rich (I guess I'm alluding to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood there) thing. However, the American medicare system is shit compared to Canada's in my opinion and I was absolutely digusted with the poor quality and hospitality of some of the clinics I attended when I lived there.

All pros and cons aside, I loved living in both places. I hope that answers all of your questions, GB, and I will be only too happy to clarify anything you need cleared up =).

Love you all,

Saf.


{Edit} Sorry to forget this, GB!

Want to play? The Official Interview Game Rules:


If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying, "interview me".

I will respond by asking you five questions - each persons will be different.

You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Allow me to re-introduce myself...

Allright, allright, I agree that this has been an extremely elusive blog. Mainly, some bolts and screws (just kidding!) from inside a random, Canadian, 16 year old girl's mind. Well I wasn't planning on revealing that much anyways since this is mainly for me, but since I have asked GayBanker to interview me (I love the straightforward, yet curious way he interviews people) then I suppose I should tell you a little bit about myself and if I get bold enough, post a picture or two because absolutely none of my friends know that I blog.

Anywayssssss, I am Saf. I am currently 16 years old, although I have just realized that 17 isn't too far off and I will have to change the headline on my blog.

The Past

Born in Canada, moved from my birth province to my current province when I was mere 6 years old. Changed about 8 or 9 houses in between (I once lived in a house for only two months, I think it was a bit of a tradeoff but for what I am not sure) until I moved into my current one. Since I have moved around so much, it is this house, on this street, in this neighborhood that I am currently in, that is the only place which I truly feel I can call home. (Maybe because I've lived in it for more than 5 seconds.) Anyways, when I was 12, my father, who worked long hours away from home and travelled Monday to Friday for seven years (meaning I only saw him on weekends) got transferred to California. An amazingly smart guy, he'd moved jobs and companies several times for higher offers but this position seemed permanent. My mother, hopelessly, helplessly still in love with this riskily impulsive man decided to pack us up and move us to California with him, to stop the weekends-only-spouse thing and have a real family.

Her attempt worked for about 5 months. Within one month of being there, my fathers company dropped, fell, and my dad was laid off. Within a single month. I suppose, thinking about it now, that this was the beginning of what I like to call my the makings of my cynicism or "How I became Jaded" by S. Having led a very sheltered, protected life up until those very moments, it was an absolutely mind-blowing scary experience to feel so vulnerable (although it must have killed my parents to tell me and my 8 year old brother at the time) because of him. I began subconsciouly worry about everything. However, after 4 months of him being with us, looking for work but coming home every night for supper (an extremely unusual experiene) he got some contract work and was flown right back to Canada, to the same province and exact same location that we moved from. What a slap in the face that was, eh? Anyways, we lived in California for two more years. We met some amazing people, I met my first boyfriend who turned out to be a creepy stalker, I made some mistakes, laughed it up, and that was when I kind of turned around and found the ex <3.

So, btw, the ex looks about 20 years older than he actually is, which is barely a year older than myself (remind me to post some funny entries on that later) and I thought he was about 21 when I first met him (the boy was 15, y'all) and I was scared of him at first, but one night we had a very wierd conversation and became good friends. It wasn't until a few months later about 2 weeks before valentines day (high school love is the best) when we were watching some of our friends practise a dance and joking around that I ever thought of him differently.

Then we dated for a year and a half. However, some of it had to be long distance because my dad died one day in 2004 with absolutely no warning, we didn't have an American citizenship without him, we had to pack up and move and within 2 months of that we were back here.

Yeah, it's been tough.

This last school year (you know, September till last Wednesday?) has been extremely eventful. I got drunk for the first time, I got high for the first time, I almost lost my virginity, I almost died a few times, I've been backstabbed by Minislut and her friends, I've been used and used others, and I don't regret a single moment of it.

Ahhhh high school, don't you miss it terribly?

I'm sleepy so that's all for now,

Saf.

oyyy

Would you look at that? I found something else I wrote.


Innocently dreaming, we are all consumed by our fantasies until we actually fall in love.
Those chocolate-covered, bubble-wrapped sweets that are always placed on the top of the highest shelf. The so-called, true meaning of happiness that apparently only takes a special significant other. Is this all that it can be, is it the ultimate fantasy? Perfect bliss and ecstasy?
Or is it the way you talk to me.
Isn’t it the way we used to be.
The little things we saw to be
Our inevitability.

Your laugh, my smile, the secret joke
My wishes, your dreams, so full of hope
Is this true
Did we really want the same thing.

But that seems so many years ago
I don’t know if it was real anymore
So I guess I’ll do the best I can do
Which is to say
I miss you.

When it is better than a dream...

This is just something I wrote....


So I'll stay awake to watch you dreaming
I'll hold you close so you can understand
I'll be the beat when your heart stops pumping
I'll be the flow when your blood runs cold
I'll cover your eyes from all the screaming
Run with me now
Hand in hand.

I don't really fully understand what it means myself. It just kind of came out from me, like all of the other poetry I write.

Stay awake with me to keep on dreaming....

And so the music makes us lose control....

Bonjour, mes amis.

Je suis trés, trés fatiguée. Mais vous ne vous inquiétez pas ! I...uh...Je ...uh....f*** it.
I really can't speak french. But you gotta give me credit for trying.

So, today I had a chat with the only gay person I know that is actually my age.
Anyways, this is some of our conversation on MSN Messenger:

`Saf says:
Is that "sitting, waiting, wishing" from that Jack Johnson song??
"Jade....she looks like a blond, chinese, negro" says
yep
"Jade....she looks like a blond, chinese, negro" says
im sitting, wishing and waiting for a guy to come along...
"Jade....she looks like a blond, chinese, negro" says
hahaha
`Saf says
I (L) that songg
`Saf says
haha....so am I =(

He is SUCH a great guy...but his parents don't even know that he's gay yet...he himself has fully accepted it but I have a feeling it'll be difficult for him to come out to his family...although I think he once told me his mom suspects it...women's intuition I tell you ;), but it's always harder for people of our culture and (more specifically to me and him) our religion, to iniate extreme "changes" like that...our parents may have moved to a modern world but sometimes I feel that they think they are still living in the "Motherland" as I like it call it...hehe.

Anyways, I was just thinking about him all day. He's honestly amazing. He's intelligent (sexy!), charming (soo cute), extremely witty and cutting (oh boyyyy) and he's got the cutest wink ever.

Oh how I wish he was straight...

No idea what I want out of life

If anyone doesn't want to read a selfish, rambling, sometimes unclear post about my deepest thoughts and feelings at the moment - leave.

Lately, I have no idea what I want. I think I want a boyfriend sometimes, and after seeing the Break-Up tonight with two close friends, it led me to want a boyfriend even more, but then there are also times that I really just want a "friends with benefits" thing. I've been feeling way more sexual (probably because it is summer time and there are boys with no shirts walking around) which has led to quite a few phone sex sessions with the boy I almost lost my virginity to- we shall call him Mr. D (because I loveeee his last name and saying it, but just D seems wierd and I shouldn't write the name) and he has insinuated coming over to my house again.

However, interestingly enough, during a particular session on monday he said "That's it, I'm definitely coming over next week and I'm bringing my handcuffs."
"What?!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, can I? But only I get to use them," he said.
"Noo way, if you're gonna bring handcuffs then I damn well want to use them too," I argued.
"Ohh can I blindfold you?!" he suddenly asked.
"What!?" I said, feeling a little surprised and quite overwhelmed. "No, one of my fears is actually going blind, I hate not being able to see." ('tis the truth, y'all)
"You'll love it," he said.
"No," I said firmly.
"Fine. Hey, you ever been videotaped?" he asked hurridly and somewhat distractedly.
"What?!" I said, quite shocked this time. How tacky, I thought. "Noooo effing way."
"Only you and I would see it," he said in a come-on-you-know-you-want-to voice.
"Hell no," I said, feeling thrown. "Have you ever done that before?"
"Yeah, once," he said. "It was like a thirty second clip on my camera phone which I don't have anymore, and only we ever saw it. I got a new phone but I think she might still have it on her computer."
"Ew," I said. I would never do that with you, I thought to myself.
"Would you ever do that with someone?" he asked.

Note: I told him I wouldn't have sex with him because I had a rule for myself: No sex (first time at least, c'mon) with a guy that isn't my boyfriend. The comittment is reassuring to me.

"Maybe, actually," I said, thinking of the ex <3. "Actually, I would probably do it with my ex. I would do anything for him," I admitted.

I can't really remember what else was said, but he said he couldn't explain how badly he wanted me at that moment (yeah yeah, I've heard it all, buddy) and he did ask me where I wanted him to cum (GB!! I thought of you when he asked that =)) but that was really about it.

Ugh. Must get up early and study for exams tomorrow - school's almost done! =)

Much loveee <3

S.

21 Firsts

1.Who was your first prom date?Next year is prom, actually

2. Who was your first roommate(s)?mm I still live at home

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Haha Bacardii

4. What was your first job?uhhh babysitting

5. What was your first car? Toyota Camry ahaha

6. When did you go to your first funeral? 10 years old in grade 5

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
6 =)

8. Who was your first grade teacher?Mrs.Chomiak (what a name)

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?Switzerland

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?Mmmm two friends thatt I still keep in touch with

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends?Erm it was probably a girl named Shawna, and no I have not spoken with her since grade 4

12. Where was your first sleepover?Don't remember? Shawna's?

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? The ex <3 or the sweetie (my best friend)

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a participant?My religion doesn't do rign bearings really, so I'll go for flower girl at my cousins wedding

615. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Groan

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? SPICE GIRLS hahaha

17. First tattoo or piercing? Ears when I was born. Want 2 more holes, and the bellybutton and the nose done, though.

18. First celebrity crush? Uhhh Brad Pitt?

19. Age of first real kiss with tongue?Barely 14

20. First time you engaged in sexual activities? Ohh 14

21. First love? I'm 16, it's stupid for anyone my age to say they've been in love, I know that I need to be older and more mature. The ex came close though <3

So today in my advanced dance class, my dance teacher (who RARELY, if ever, gives out compliments) said "Excellent!" to me and then proceeded to tell me that I would go on to the special advanced class if i participated in the show..which I will not be in town for....

Fuck.
You all have no idea how upsetting this is.

And to make matters even worse, the dance is looking amazing and I cannot be part of it.
Ugh.


I'm really too stressed to say anything else.
Sorry, love you ALL, will make time for a long ass post tomorrow? =)

Oh God

Oh my god. I don't know if I want to write about last night yet. It was insane. I was completely fucked up and I said some things I really shouldn't have. Head is spinning still, but for different reasons.

Just a small note - I realized that even if your first impression of a boy seems eh, whatever, later on there is still a chance you will realize he is completelyyyyyyy ah-dorable. Kind of thought that way last night, although... I don't know if I want to say yet.

Last nights conversations included:

Conversation with Fir <3
Conversation with my ex <3 (who I shall have to leave a LONG, LONG post about later to fully explain what a darlingggg boy he is)
Almost phone sex conversation with the boy I almost lost my virginity to ;) ooh la la, he is seXXXy.
Conversation with ah-dorable darling boy who reminds me very much of the ex =)

Big hug from boy that almost caused the bitch [(the girl who told Fir's girlfriend that I liked him) who I think I shall start calling Mini Slut, since she really, really is (I shall tell you about her fully in another post) and she is a year younger than me] to have an orgasm, same boy also crashed my birthday party but hes kind of cute and was soo sweet last night that I didn't really mind. :)

So I suppose some parts of the night weren't so bad. I know I am rambling and really not making any sense whatsoever, will explain when head is more clear.

XoX,

Saf.

Recent thoughts

In a recent post, my friend GayBanker talked about people cheating on their spouses. This prompted me to think of several things, such as the way I let people walk all over me somtimes, a trait I seem to have in common with Saddle Up. Anyways, interestingly enough, all of this ties in with the boy I am currently interested in right now. So I suppose I shall tell you a little story...

Around October of last year, I began talking daily to one of my good friend's boyfriends. Unfortunately, this caused us to both develop some feelings for each other, which we kept secret from my friend and his girlfriend. He seemed like such a decent, honest, guy with such good values at the time that I really fell hard. This fizzled out after about 3 weeks (remember those high school crushes?), but that's another story entirely. Me and this boy would talk late into the night, every night and he was always first to fall asleep (he sounds sooo adorable when he's tired) and I would always go to bed after feeling quite good. Anyways, later on, in around December, I realized that my friend (who was still his girlfriend) was telling him everything I told her. Worse still, I had told a different mutal friend of ours that I liked her boyfriend and the "friend" (don't get me started on her, it would ge quite profane in here) went and told her that I liked her boyfriend. So she knew, and the only reason I know ALL of this stupid, childish chain of events is that she told her boyfriend, the boy I used to like, and he came right back around and told me what they had done. Furious, I was quite tempted to confront both bitches and start the chain up again, but decided to save my energy and not cause what would have been a huge, even more ridiculously dramatic scene, ending with the breaking of our friendships. So, all this time I have kept my mouth shut about it all and never trusted either of them again, though none of them suspect that I know and still consider me good friends. Please leave any thoughts of whether you think that was a stupid move or a smart one, thanks. Anyyways, one of those lengthy nights when me and the boy (who I shall start calling Fir) were talking, the topic of his girlfriend's parents came up. They have a horrible relationship with their daughter that can get quite tacky, as they don't seem to care about airing their dirty laundry anywhere. So Fir and I talked about the disrespectful way she talks to her parents and out of nowhere Fir said "You know the dad has cheated on the mom sooo much?"
"What?!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, there's a bunch of older men that drink and smoke and have lots of sex that I know through my dad and they take my and my buddies out and get us drunk with them and they always talk about him and how he goes out with them all the time" laughed Fir.
"No...." I replied unconvincingly.
"I swear! And they even have a nickname for him and stuff and you know what? His wife and daughter are at home right now and where is he?" demanded Fir.
"Calgary!" I exclaimed in a shocked voice, my eyes opening wide.
"Exactly, Saf. Now anyways, got to go to bed, love you" He hung up.
I lay in bed for a while, thinking about it. My imagination is quite vivid sometimes, and I began to imagine all sorts of things. This particular man has always looked like a shady character, and a whole bunch of us were quite frightened of him when we were (even littler) little girls. Despite his gruff exterior, however, I had always believed that he was a loyal husband and somewhat of a good father.


Gosh, sometimes one comment can just make you question everything. Not that I mind.


(edit) Tonight I am attending Fir's girlfriends birthday dinner, yet Fir will not be there =(.
We have started talking again and I sort of miss him. I do get to spend two weeks with him in the summer away from her though ;) which should be fun.

You know you love me

I guess I should say something about myself. My name is something that I really, really hate, from the way it looks to the prononciation which people really never seem to get right, so on this blog, you can call me by the most decent nickname that I have, which is Saf. I am a sixteen year old girl living in B.C., Canada who considers herself a cut above the rest of the teenage cliches that happen to be some of my best friends. Well, I would like to think so anyways. Yes, I have been drunk and I have tried smoking and I have "hooked up" with someone I did not really know. But compared to my friends, I am the Virgin Mary. Almost literally, actually. You see, three of my closest friends are currently on birth control and engaging in a range of sexual activities with their boyfriends and other boys. Not that I haven't, but I am still technically a virgin because I am just worried about having sex because of the teen pregnancy rate lately. I definitely do not want to be an embarassment to my family as well as just another statistic after having made a mistake which I will probably regret for most of my life. God, I probably sound like a pathetic good little girl right now. Oh well, I like to think of myself as smart and this blog is mainly for an outlet for my emotions and feelings that I cannot really confide in anyone else. Maybe later on I will include the time I almost did have sex with someone for anyone who reads this blog to indulge in something somewhat juicy.

Au Revoir,

Saf.

Testing, 1, 2, 3

I don't exactly understand how, but I've stumbled across many blogs in which people keep just to themselves and people they have never and probably will never meet on the internet. I have become regular readers of many (gaybanker, gayboydiary, to name a few) and after recently reading some of saddle-up's very interesting posts I have decided that starting my own may just be the therapy that I need. Scoff if you must, but being sixteen is extremely stressful, especially with university in the near future. Having said this, I am absolutely awful at updating but will try to keep anyone and everyone who reads this blog fairly satisfied.

Much love to all,

Saf.