No idea what I want out of life

If anyone doesn't want to read a selfish, rambling, sometimes unclear post about my deepest thoughts and feelings at the moment - leave.

Lately, I have no idea what I want. I think I want a boyfriend sometimes, and after seeing the Break-Up tonight with two close friends, it led me to want a boyfriend even more, but then there are also times that I really just want a "friends with benefits" thing. I've been feeling way more sexual (probably because it is summer time and there are boys with no shirts walking around) which has led to quite a few phone sex sessions with the boy I almost lost my virginity to- we shall call him Mr. D (because I loveeee his last name and saying it, but just D seems wierd and I shouldn't write the name) and he has insinuated coming over to my house again.

However, interestingly enough, during a particular session on monday he said "That's it, I'm definitely coming over next week and I'm bringing my handcuffs."
"What?!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, can I? But only I get to use them," he said.
"Noo way, if you're gonna bring handcuffs then I damn well want to use them too," I argued.
"Ohh can I blindfold you?!" he suddenly asked.
"What!?" I said, feeling a little surprised and quite overwhelmed. "No, one of my fears is actually going blind, I hate not being able to see." ('tis the truth, y'all)
"You'll love it," he said.
"No," I said firmly.
"Fine. Hey, you ever been videotaped?" he asked hurridly and somewhat distractedly.
"What?!" I said, quite shocked this time. How tacky, I thought. "Noooo effing way."
"Only you and I would see it," he said in a come-on-you-know-you-want-to voice.
"Hell no," I said, feeling thrown. "Have you ever done that before?"
"Yeah, once," he said. "It was like a thirty second clip on my camera phone which I don't have anymore, and only we ever saw it. I got a new phone but I think she might still have it on her computer."
"Ew," I said. I would never do that with you, I thought to myself.
"Would you ever do that with someone?" he asked.

Note: I told him I wouldn't have sex with him because I had a rule for myself: No sex (first time at least, c'mon) with a guy that isn't my boyfriend. The comittment is reassuring to me.

"Maybe, actually," I said, thinking of the ex <3. "Actually, I would probably do it with my ex. I would do anything for him," I admitted.

I can't really remember what else was said, but he said he couldn't explain how badly he wanted me at that moment (yeah yeah, I've heard it all, buddy) and he did ask me where I wanted him to cum (GB!! I thought of you when he asked that =)) but that was really about it.

Ugh. Must get up early and study for exams tomorrow - school's almost done! =)

Much loveee <3

S.